In grammar school, crushes are cute. You get chased around the blacktop, maybe push each other in dirt (because remember: if he's mean to you, it means he likes you), and maybe peck each other on the cheek while no one's looking and feel totally cool and bad ass after. In junior high, it gets a little more serious where you hold hands and (gasp) french kiss. In high school, you better be ready for the real deal or something that's very much like it because relationships surround you and it can be a bit threatening if you're not following along.

Throughout my seventeen years of life (a couple months, it'll be 18), I've never had a boyfriend. It's not because I don't want one (I think), but because it's just never happened. I've had "things" or whatever you want to call them but they usually just end up...blah. I'm sure many like me are embarrassed at times and at others feel empowered. It's not the most fun thing to tell the newest guy you've been seeing that you've never had a boyfriend. Why? Because instantly words such as "what," "is," "wrong," "with," and, "her" come to mind. Or sometimes you get something different such as, "What? Seriously? No way. You must have turned a lot of guys down. Why not? Are you scared of something?" Neither make me feel great.

I like to tell myself that it's just never happened. But recently I've been thinking, what if I'm the one who doesn't let it happen? I guess it started with my first kiss. Freshman year. I know, I was a late starter from the beginning. You'd be surprised what younger girls are doing in these days. So we were kissing...and kissing...and kissing. And everything was great. Really. But then I got home and he called me. And then he myspace messaged me (the good ol' days of myspace) and he wouldn't stop talking to me. But my friends said he wasn't being overly friendly or like I said 'stalkerish'. He was being normal, just looking to talk. And he kept complimenting me (I hate those). Most girls are afraid of the opposite-- of him not caring to talk. I wanted him to shut up. Needless to say, it was too much too early. I told him it wasn't going to work.

And relationships like that have been what I've gotten. It's great when we're around each other but do we really have to talk all the damn time? I don't do romance. When a boy buys me a flower, in my head I think, "Wow, sucks that he wasted money for this thing," when really I smile because I don't want to hurt his feelings. I'd rather not get compliments at all really. And listening to his problems? I've got enough of my own. Things like that turn me off greatly and pretty much every boy thinks he needs to kiss a girls ass to have a relationship (at least the one's I'm stuck with). I feel as though I'm helpless in this way. I can't seem to get into a relationship. Y'know, the kind they put in the movies. The 'we're one person with the same goals and I'll always be there for you.' It's probably because I'm still young. That's cool with me. But when everyone around me is making this 'boy friend' and 'girl friend' thing into a serious situation, I can't help but wonder if I haven't gotten the better-get-a-move-on memo or something.

So when a new boy comes along, one that is not my type and in no way makes my heart flutter or any of that BS, I'm thinking it's about time I try this stuff out just to see. I mean, why not? Is it a little mean that I'm using him for experience? Do I even want experience? Serious relationships don't appeal to me but you never know unless you try, right?

For now, I'm going along with it. And I guess it's as good a time as any to start and I'm hoping (crossing my fingers and praying) that he doesn't get attached. Wish me luck.